Now, what I'm REALLY thinking..

[xunpredictablel]

|TITLE| Hm,
|RATING| pg13
|THEME| There are some sexual things, some self-mutilation themes. Be careful.
|NOTES| A continued effort of my previous feelings , i suppose.


fallen . an angel from God, and he's created you to fail. to fall . with every passing day you're just saying goodbye faster and faster . i've given up hope in us because we're not a fairy tale anymore.

you used to have wings. you used to take me into the sky and help me fly away from these silly shoes that act as weights.- these stupid roots keeping me tied to the ground . you used to take my hand and gently squeeze - and that kindness I saw in your eyes was a comparison to no other. Where did that go ?

who have you become ? you're not new, but you're not old . you're this uncomfortable mix in between the two and you used to have a tear but now it's all filled up. what's the purpose of me if not to act as a mold -?

you used to feel the quivering in my voice as a siren - it would go off in your head like an alarm - help her heal her keep her atrophy at a minimum. - and now you act as a practical catalyst.

where are you ? you're hiding that boy i used to know and the man coming through is scaring me. you're not supposed to be that confident. you're not supposed to be so demanding and incredible in bed.

you're supposed to be a tender little baby with me - a little boy with little wishes and i want you to want your mom , i want you to need your mom to survive , i wanted to grow up with you but now you're growing up too fast. how can i grow up with you if you're already fifty at sixteen ?

i almost want to say goodbye - to find another boy with another wish . another boy to bring my dreams and erupt them with truth - to find another man with wishes against mine and won't follow me to the ends of the earth. i almost want you to be that man but i know you never will be.

is it so bad to want a dream ? so bad to pursue the thoughts that have haunted my thoughts for ages ? where are you when i'm thinking all this ? are you reveling in your thoughts of me and you and our little lovemaking sessions that we need to confirm our love for each other - it almost acts like a paste for our relationship , doesn't it ?

and i'm sick of the tears that won't come anymore, i'm sick of the screams that deduce to laughing thoughts of forever. i'm sick of the fights that die down in the night, you always giving to my comforts. where are you in this ? are you the ghost of a person that i always thought i could never love ? you try to tell me but your tongue feels severed .

you reach to me but my arms feel too weak and broken . why can't you fix me like you used to ? it feels like you're just cracking me down more and more - a way to say goodbye to the world for good.

lack of sharp is the only reason i don't have crimson streaks across my hips. weren't you a reason once? little laughs are the only reason i don't cry. weren't you the perfect medicine for that , once? my arms are strong when they need to be. didn't you hold them up forever - strong and unforgiving ?

my hands still shake when i'm angry and nervous. do yours ?
i still rock in bed when i try to sleep. do you?
i still want to name our children perfect names. do you remember ?
my brain still goes a million miles a minute. does yours ?
my tears still fall for you. do yours still fall for me ?
my marks are still there for you. are your scars healed ?
my heart still longs for you. has yours ever stopped ?
i still want this.... do you ?
i'm still broken. are you?

[shiina]

I actually felt a connection with that poem... A little tug at my heart that brought back old memories... I mean, no offense, but I have trouble connecting with alot of your work. They just aren't me, but this poem reminds me so much of something I suffered what seems like years ago now... Only in a different way. I kinda see what you're trying to say here, amazingly. I'm horrible at analyzing, I have no insight whatsoever. But This poem spoke to me, a tear ran down my cheek, A thump in my chest. Wowzers. *Shakes head* I've been writing too much poetry today, what the heck am I saying? I'll blame you ^.^

Back on track, I loved the poem. And If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here for you. I'm a very understanding person (despite popular belief).

[xunpredictablel]

Ah , I'm sorry you have a difficulty relating to some of my work. It's only expected though, not many people can relate to everyone's work, you know ? I'm glad you could connect with this one, It was really important to me that I got it all out . You know? And sure, I'll take the blame for someone writing a lot in a day, haha.

[shiina]

Teehee, that's how I am. Keep on writing it out, I hope you feel better soon. I know how stress is. Don't let anything that's going on get to you too bad, Okay? No matter what, it can't be worth losing yourself.

[noir]

Im agreeing with Shiina on the most part. I don't struggle identifying with your work, as I remember my teen years as though they were yesterday, and I remember the frustration I felt then. However, Im going to ruin aging for everyone and tell you honestly that it doesn't ever go away. And that is why I think I still connect with your work, despite the fact you label it as 'teenage angsty'- which it certainly isnt. There is some seriously important imagery in here.

I went though a tough break up recently-ish, and the poem resonates a number of my feelings at the time. Obviously there is a different perspective, due to the different perspective of the sexes, but overall I think the main feeling is there. It's beautifully written, and I hope that you're able to overcome the down feeling you have as soon as you can. Im here to talk to if you need it, having gone through similar myself.

[xunpredictablel]

Ah, yes . It's about the struggles of a lost relationship that has been revisited, a relationship that both partners are trying so hard to remember what they had for so long, but a month of apart has rubbed them raw- to the very core. It's about a boy I fell in love with , broke up with, became a man in a month, seemingly, while during that month I was left to rot in this utter hole of self-defeat and mutilation. He went out with another, and I felt utterly cast aside, because I was struggling so much with the breakup. The trust I had in him was lost , and I'm still struggling to let him in as well as I did the last time we went out. He's having a lot of trouble realizing that he hurt me so much, because I don't think I've made it clear how much it killed me.

Golly, haha. That was the most dreadful month of my life.

[noir]

It certainly sounds it. But then I do think that men and women have very differnet ways of dealing with break ups. He does seem to act far more like me after the events. I kind of get 'bulletproof' and aloof, and don't let anyone in. I can be a difficult sod XD