Burn

[shiina]

|TITLE| Burn
|RATING| PG
|THEME| Pain (I guess)
|NOTES| this is pretty much about pain and betrayal. I think it's obvious, so whatever. And since I feel like it would be wrong not to give copyright credit (Cuz it would be; illegal, actually.) I used a quote from a paramore song, whcih will be clearly marked.


The flame that burns the brightest, stays hidden in the dark,
On empty walls of broken hearts, lies a sleeping power's mark.
A passion burnt with heat, a fire full of lust,
It comes to me to haunt and heart in all my quick mistrust.
"I am not safe, and I've been waiting for the sun," (Paramore; "When it Rains")
And on days of rain and darkness, there is no help to come.
This fire heats my skin, burns from inside out,
The way it hurts, the pain of this, makes me want to shout.
Breath in ragged gasps, as convulsive shudders start,
the blood that blocks my eyes, leaves me in the dark.
A claim of a wish to help, a claim that you're unable,
And all I really know is that my feelings are unstable.
I need your help right now, before it is too late,
but all you've really done for me is wait and wait and wait.
Do you really want to help, or are you just here to watch,
As a demon claws my mind, and burns me with his touch?

[xunpredictablel]

I enjoyed this quite a bit. Some of the lines were utterly fantastic, doing exactly what you needed to do in a poem, and thorough and descriptive. I know how hard some rhymes are, but if you press yourself, you can get the rhymes down pat. Some of the lines were a little disappointing, because the first couple lines blew me away and some of the others seemed at a lower level than others. It's hard to describe.

This piece is fantastic, I would definitely reccommend revisiting it and think about how you can differently word things, because I can see this published.

[shiina]

Yeah, I've already changed a million things and I keep coming back to it trying to fix it. The very first line popped into my head while I was talking to my brothers chemistry teacher about black fire, and I just went off from that. Don't ask why I was talking to my brothers chemistry teacher, I have no clue. I'm glad you like it, thought it's not one of my personal favorites. It has the potential to be a favorite, if I could only figure out how to fix it. My brain hasn't been working lately.