Untitled-11/25/09

[shiina]

|TITLE| Untitled
|RATING| PG
|THEME| I guess pain...
|NOTES| I have no clue why I've been writing things like this so much lately, but Oh well. I hope you all like it.


Falling rain in darkened sheets.
flooding where the water meets.
Tapping, Tapping, pouring down.
Puddles forming on the ground.
Wet and cold against my skin.
Convincing me I'll never win.
All around it's coming down.
A curtain from the sky.

Total darkness drowns me out.
What is it that I scream about?
Spreading, spreading, midnight black.
To show me all the things I lack.
Dark and dismal to my eyes.
The reason I can't see through lies.
Cover me, so none can see.
A veil across my eyes.

Consuming silence fills my ears.
It constantly confirms my fears.
Screaming, screaming, silent cries.
Like a million fireflies.
Flash and shine without a sound.
In quiet where I won't be found.
Full of strife, devoid of life.
Water in my ears.

[xunpredictablel]

I love it, the rhyming, again, is fantastic. However, I see a bit of an awkwardness with the rhythm and I think you can do better . I reccommend coming back to it eventually,and seeing what you could improve on . Especially with the rhythm.

Anyway, it's good as usual, and I think you're finding your niche in poetry. Congrats!

[shiina]

Thank you, and I have been going over this one again and again. I wanted the syllables to follow a pattern of 7-7-7-7-7-7-7-6 for each stanza, but some lines I couldn't get the right amount of syllables. That also threw off the pattern of stressed and unstressed syllables I was trying to aquire. So that's where the awkwardness comes from. I was listening to "Fireflies" by Owl City when I wrote the last stanza, so that's why I mentioned fireflies. the song was in my head. I'm going to post a new poem in a few minutes too. Heehee don't take my new poem seriously, it's for laughs.