Faded

[shiina]

|TITLE| Faded
|RATING| PG13
|THEME| Emo(ish)
|NOTES| I wrote this like, what? 2, 3 years ago? Dunno. I was going through hard times in my life. friends turned on me, Brother was... a complete a-hole, (I know, I'm such a sissy for not cussing... ever) but yeah, I hope you like it.

Not so sure I had a start,
one black hole, to replace my soul,
and nothing for my heart.

In complete darkness,
I can't flee, if I can't see,
The woman in the black dress.

I feel the cuts that mark me,
The flowing blood, mixed with mud,
I won't escape this sea.

I can't resist the heartache,
It eat's me alive, I won't survive,
How much more can I take?

what is real, what is fact?
and with one last sigh, to say goodbye,
My vision fades to black.

[Alicia's Ghost]

I'll be honest, of all your poetry, this is by far one of my favorites. (I guess I'm showing my morbid roots, heh). It's simplistic, but I think that sort of blatant telling of what you're feeling is your style of writing and it suits you wonderfully. The first verse resonated with me (if that doesn't sound seriously weird), and is one of my favorites lines. It's a strong start, and unlike some of your other ones which waver, this stayed strong all the way through. I can feel the emotion bleeding through the words, especially when you say "The flowing blood, mixed with mud."

I'm not sure if some of it is accidental, and a fluke of looking for words to rhyme with other words, or if it was intentional, but it came out beautifully. I envy your ability to rhyme, though I think I've mentioned this before.

The second line in the fourth verse, however, needs to be tweaked. It's probably just a typo, but I have no idea what you're trying to say, >.< And I think you need to decide if you want every line to be capitalized or not, because you switch around a lot.

[xunpredictablel]

I love the poem's structure. It's very unique, in my opinion, and I honestly don't think a lot of poets could pull that off. It was a blatant show of pure depression, and that's incredible. It's very difficult to take an emotion and strip it bare - to take all of the confusion away from it and make it just one specific thing that simply is. I especially liked the last verse . While you might not have realized you did it, you used very hard, sharp sounds to end it. Fact and black - very hard endings to the words caused for a somewhat harsh ending. Very well done, in my opinion.
I liked how you used some analogies to the depression. I am a firm believer that poetry is all about giving someone words to form their own idea, words that can help them relate the poem to their lives, whether it be through depression, happiness, or any other emotion. It's very difficult to do this, and it's a hard skill to obtain and hone, but you certainly have it. My advice to you is to hone it, to mold it into a style that suits you.

It's a fantastic poem. I do hope you keep writing.