Post by xunpredictablel on Mar 3, 2010 19:39:51 GMT -5
|Title| The Youth
|Rating| PG13
|Notes| This is also very very old.
Sometimes I wish I had been there at your birth. I wish I could see your little baby skin, so fragile and translucent. I wish I could have laid in silly baby cribs with you, smothered in our little baby clothes and blankets. I wanted to fall asleep cuddling and smiling.
Sometimes I wish we had little kid stories of each other. Like, how we had a sheepish first kiss that was just a quick peck on the lips and then we would run away, giggling and whispering to our friends. I can almost feel the playground sun beating down on our faces with baby fat still the most prominent feature.
You were a pretty baby with a cute, little smile-
I've always wanted to see you with your parents, seen them when they were happy together, before their relationship wilted like a rose with too little water. I wanted to see the you you were when your mommy was still there in your life, before she had to go away for a little while. I wish I could have cuddled up to you as we cried over your loss, our loss, together. I wish I could have given you money, food, things you needed. But even more I wish I could have struggled with you, stolen money with you, gathered food from too-cheap stores. I wish I could have held you and your sister. I wish we could have been strong together.
I wish I could have been the one to find you with your pills. I wish I could have yelled at you, asked you how you could do that to me. I wish I could have taken them away. I wish I could have taken away your pain.
I wish you could have found me with my razor blade and my blood and I wish you would have torn off all my skin and stopped all the bleeding even though it lasted ten seconds, only ten seconds. I wish you would have never left me alone. I want you to turn back time and I want a complete life with you. I want to eat my food with you, I wanted to lay in the dark with you and whisper secrets.
We could have played so many games together. We could have ran around outside and screamed and swam around in my cute little bathing suit and your silly little trunks. You could have seen me with my goofy long hair. You could have seen me twinkling.
You could have seen me grow. I could have seen you. We could have grown sheepish together. We could have fallen even more in love together.
We always would have been in love. I feel like all that has happened. I feel like we've done all of it together.
Maybe we would have felt like brother and sister except not. I'd like that. I'd like feeling as if we were soulmates that had met when we were just barely living, just barely learning to breathe. Maybe you'd crawl before me and you'd help me hold my head. Maybe you'd walk before me and help me by the hand. Maybe you'd make me want to wear your clothes. I kind of wish you had been there on all my sleepless Christmas nights to play silly games with me til the morning.
Why? It sounds like I dream of practical incenst. That's not what it is. You know that.
What this is is the feeling of basically being each other. I look to you as though I was ripped in half when I was placed in my mother.
We were an angel. We had to have been. We were perfect. We were neither male nor female, not weak or strong. We had wings and they were so... Magnificent. They rose above our heads as if we were even less than them. But we weren't. That was their silly illusion. We were half and half and when you were born, I was too weak to be an angel any longer. I was female, and I was weak. My feathers turned rotten. Flesh turned to stone and bone to dust. My eyes could see and my ears could hear.... I could feel. I hid for a while. Maybe I was scared, maybe I was ashamed of how ugly I was as a half. He found me not too long later. He found me and He tossed me to my mother, and I was worlds away from you...
Maybe I always felt for you, even though we were so far away.
We kind of grew together, if only a little. We were friends a long time, me laughing at you, us practically ignoring each other. But then our relationship was coming. I don't really remember that day. I remember a lot of flirting, a lot of sharing a too-sweet drink. I kind of remember us brushing our hands together, trying to get each other to hold hands, I remember too many hugs.
I laughed like you were the funniest person in the world. You floated like you were on a cloud*- like I was the wind and you were the scent, floating with me and pleasantly singing.
I do remember how happy I made you. You melted into smiles and grins falling from smokes and gin--? I might have liked to see you smoke and drink. I might have liked to see you fly really high with the smoke exhaling through your mouth, nose. I think I would have liked to see you drink but I was too impressionable.
It feels like it’s been so long. But a year really isn’t that long ago, is it?
We didn’t feel like soulmates back then. I didn’t even know you. You were in my heart but my soul wasn’t reaching for you. I don’t think our souls recognized each other. I don’t think they really found each other last time.
We were pretending, that’s why. We wouldn’t have worked back then. I had to figure out that not everyone could be strong.
I was fire in a forest and you were a wolf inching closer, closer to my flames. They licked you and you whimpered. You were plunged deeper and deeper into unfamiliar territory as my flames enchanted you. You didn’t watch your step, you just kept stepping backwards, backwards. There were many times you tripped and your body fell sprawling to the ground. You didn’t care. You stood back up and continued the dance with me. You keep burning.
It’s almost only moments until you jump in.
For a long time, I was little. I was oblivious to so many things. I was dancing, always dancing and breathing too much. You never noticed. You never knew because you did it, too... You were smoking and laughing and doing stupid things. We were both so masochistic.
Neither of us felt. We didn’t feel because we were both so filled with hurt. We danced and ran away from our hurt. We never felt anything but laughter bubbling up from our faking stomachs. We felt air but it was really darkness. We were runaways. Maybe that’s why we’re so alike, why we’re so in love.
Maybe it’s because we hurt so much now.
I was too young. I was too young when he and I decided to lay our hangs on each other. We were too young when we smiled our little boygirl smiles. We were so curious and fucked up. We were silenced in our age and our hands screamed what we weren’t allowed to say. We never laid together, thank God we didn’t, but we still have our marks drawn on each other.
It was magical for a while, I guess, but then the ecstasy faded away to guilt, regret. Regret gave way to pain, which melted away to just a dull ache. After a while, he just ran away across the plains where I could never find him again. I didn’t ever want to anymore.
I liked how the next couple of boys made me feel. They made me feel liked dancing, like screaming and crying and running. They touched me like I was a goddess, like their hands glowed after they rubbed my skin. Maybe they did. I liked the way their faces glowed. They were glowing, screaming their happiness to fall down and worship me, touch me, begging for a chance for more. Maybe they thought they’d grow wings if they got to.
Their hands maybe floated away from them. Maybe they’re forever laying on me, teasing me, testing me.
I’m the goddess of lust, I swear. The boys would die to touch me. They would lie down in front of me and let me drain the life from them. They lie down and let me breathe their breath, let me pump their blood.
Am I arrogance? I guess you wouldn’t understand.
They call my eyes water- so beautiful blue. They call my skin gold- so valuable. They call my breath silver- deadly to breathe but they’ll do it anyway, won’t they? My laughs are music, they love the silent brushes in their ears. My voice is a whisper, making your linger ever closer.
I am irresistible, aren’t I? You speak but your words are always the same. You try to console me but the majority of your touches are making me cautious.
Then again, I have a tendency to over - feel.
Am I truly the light they see me to be? People are naturally attracted to me - like opposite sides of a magnet. Their eyes are starry, their faces forlorn, their sighs heavy. I am curious as to how they believe I am so fantastic.
You were the only one who made me want to stop playing God. You were the one who made me want to calm down, settle down.
I guess maybe that scares me sometimes.
That you’re the key to a door I really didn’t know if I wanted to open, back then.
I feel like sometimes, with every step forward, there are countless ones taken backwards.
I kind of like how everyone can see us, how everyone can see how we are and how truly in love we are.
I guess sometimes I feel like you deserve better. I feel like whenever I look at another boy you should be looking for another girl who wouldn’t stare.
Maybe I’d like to feel repaid for the pain I’ve given you.
There was one time I think I almost hated you. I was laying in my bed and whimpering for you. I guess you don’t understand why I do that. You told me that you missed how I used to be. How I used to hold you and cry with you and truly feel you.
It made me feel maybe not good enough anymore. Oh, you know how I hate that feeling.
It maybe made me scared. Because I used to always feel you, but then you were too far gone.
But then I saw you at school and honestly, I couldn’t help but smile. You’ve got this ridiculous thing about you - you’re so... goofy. We are each other’s silly little secret in a naive little code that no one else can read.
Maybe it’s that silly high feelings before someone lingers closer and leaves their words on your mind. Maybe it’s the fact I’ll have to struggle to find something to say to you. I can’t help but smile at our lovely secrets sometimes.
We’re so together that I honestly never believe anyone else is even there. Even though I hear them, even if I listen, it’s your voice in their throats.
But isn’t that normal? I could have sworn that everyone hears you everywhere.
Maybe that’s what keeps me feeling okay. When my parents say something nasty I can think of what you might say if you had heard them. I guess the best part is how you care when other people might just be dead for me.
Sometimes I wonder why you’re always so alive and breathing and beating. Did you know it scares me when you’re too cold or too pale? faint? Sometimes it terrifies me. That’s why I beg you to take my jacket at school.
For some reason, this feels more like a confessional that should go in our notebook.
I’m listening to a mix tape that I gave you. I’ve introduced you to so many new things, just as you have for me.
Maybe I don’t really know why there are so many songs filled of terror and hurt. I really want to apologize that by the time you got here, I was a little too far behind in my life. I really wish I could show you the best of me.
Maybe sometimes I don’t remember what that is.
I want to tell you something. It’s another secret for now. You know all these words I’ve written so far? I think that they are my truth. They are finally the key to writing I’ve searched so hard for. I just hope nothing happens before I can document us fully.
It smells of summer now. I think this is the most excited I’ve been for this smell. I can’t wait to drive, to go to beaches and feel the warmth bake my skin. I almost wish I could get golden like some people. I wonder sometimes if my little hairs on my arms would glow in the sun. Maybe I’m excited for the freedom summer gives. Maybe I’m excited to smell the sun bake your sin through your very pores.
I’ll be so envious of those sun light rays though. I wonder if you know that, I’ll be jealous of how far down into you they can reach. My skin and your skin are cursed barriers. You know that as well as I.
I hate how I can’t decide between past or present.
For a long time, you were nothing. I felt bad, but I never trusted myself back then. I thought I would leave you in no time, for sure. Maybe I got lazy, maybe you cleansed my body of sin. but for some reason I stayed with you. I guess what’s interesting is how I don’t understand why I chose you.
I also wonder why I remember that night so well. It was you, and me, and sometimes I truly was confused when I realized we were two separate beings. It was that effortless... It was like we were air colliding with each other. You had to have been heat because I felt warm.
I felt this insatiable need to fall asleep with you. I couldn’t, we are too controversial - -
I wish I could have gotten up the nerve to sneak out of the closed, locked room and into your arms. I felt your arms everywhere that night. The notes floating around my head only amplified the effect. I almost felt your fingertips dancing on my lips. I wished so many things that night. So many things couldn’t get true fast enough. When you left the next day, I cursed everyone who took you away from me. I felt something monumental. I was so excited because I felt like this was so incredibly different.
When you left I gave you such a sad hug. I was so upset because I didn’t know when I’d see you again. I was scared it was a once in a lifetime kind of thing, because we were already over, things were already done.
You told me one time when I came over for your band practice, when all we did was talk, you told me when I came over and hugged you that if I had hugged you for just another second longer that you would have asked me to be with you. Sometimes I wished I would have hugged you just that little bit longer. But I wanted to keep my light-hearted, happy-thinking exterior. I guess I tried for a while to tell myself I didn’t like you. I couldn’t bring myself to open the door back up and let you in.
You showed me music. You showed me how to play songs on my guitar, how to scream like those killer cool boys in those metal bands.
Every time you scream, you’re more and more attractive to me.
Things look almost magical today. The trees outside my window look like their dancing. This wind on my skin is cool, not quite freezing. It stings my skin peacefully and I know that somewhere you must be singing. The world is happy when you breathe.
I know why I picked you now. You know me. You do, fully. You read my words like no one in the world would. I know no one else could be like this for me. You know how incredibly much my words mean to me. You understand my passions. You almost feel them with me. You know how passionate I am towards too many things.
The one thing I hate more than anything is how no one would understand. I can’t show anyone my true writing potential because they wouldn’t understand our affection, or how we tick.
I hate how limited we are because of our ages. I know you hate it, too. It limits our love, as well. I never will understand these boundaries. Back when all people were was instinct, they had people our age married already.
My passion is limited, oh so limited. It is simply killing me.* I wish I could show my greatness to everyone, but I am confined to these pages just as we are confined to whispered promises of forever. I hate that we can’t scream it. I hate that no one would look.
You wish you could make everything better. You wish you could rid me of my pain. You wish you could hide me away in your arms and heart forever. What I don’t think you know is how you’ve saved me.
For a long time, my handwriting has gotten sloppy and angry. I apologize for that. You know how I have hated you for a while. We haven’t talked as much as we should have, and things we have done have torn us apart more than we know. We have been grinding on each other’s nerves, but you know how I hate it when you’re sad. Your eyes keep falling away from me, keep melting from their sockets. You’re not where your supposed to be and I don’t know where to look. You don’t love anything in your life anymore. You say you do but I see the pain in your eyes. You’re holding on by a string, like I am, but we’ll make it through. I almost considered suicide a few times, but I don’t anymore. You almost tried a few times, but you don’t anymore. We can make it through. I’ve felt unhappy because you’re unhappy no matter what I do. What can I do to cheer you, Gogi Bear? You’re running away from me in my dreams just as you seem to be in reality. You don’t have to run. I promise I have no guns, no knives. I don’t own bear mace. I’m too scared you’ll worry. I have no weapons against you, my dear, come back to me. I have no reason to harm you, my love. Please don’t become blind to our love. It used to be all you could trust.
This might end as a take of teenage desperation.
But I’m confident it won’t.
My name is Caitlyn Sheppard. Yours is Christopher Hammock. I used to think that my name would sound stupid with your last name. I used to be too young to care about you. There have been times I’ve hated you. But there are times I’ve been unable to live without you - or, rather, I could have lived without you, but I would have chosen anything in order not to. You’re my inspiration just as I am sure I am yours. No one will see our love, not for a long time. But I hope someday they will. Someday when there are rings on our fingers and a child in my stomach. Someday after my first four years of college and your first few gigs. Someday when I’m published and a doctor and when you’re a hit rock star. It’s kind of like Romeo and Juliet, but that’s okay. No one’s against us. It’s okay. We can get through and we can stay together.
We won’t listen to what they say. We can do this and that’s all that matters.
This is my story of me, of youme, and of us. My story told through poems and a story and I pray that everyone who comes across this story and reads these words find that anything is possible in love, and in love, humans revel. Humans can dance off the ground and breathe in water. We can heal wounds and stitch each others intentional cuts. All we have is hope. All we have is each other. It’s possible to heal. Don’t give up hope.
Numb kills.
|Rating| PG13
|Notes| This is also very very old.
Sometimes I wish I had been there at your birth. I wish I could see your little baby skin, so fragile and translucent. I wish I could have laid in silly baby cribs with you, smothered in our little baby clothes and blankets. I wanted to fall asleep cuddling and smiling.
Sometimes I wish we had little kid stories of each other. Like, how we had a sheepish first kiss that was just a quick peck on the lips and then we would run away, giggling and whispering to our friends. I can almost feel the playground sun beating down on our faces with baby fat still the most prominent feature.
You were a pretty baby with a cute, little smile-
I've always wanted to see you with your parents, seen them when they were happy together, before their relationship wilted like a rose with too little water. I wanted to see the you you were when your mommy was still there in your life, before she had to go away for a little while. I wish I could have cuddled up to you as we cried over your loss, our loss, together. I wish I could have given you money, food, things you needed. But even more I wish I could have struggled with you, stolen money with you, gathered food from too-cheap stores. I wish I could have held you and your sister. I wish we could have been strong together.
I wish I could have been the one to find you with your pills. I wish I could have yelled at you, asked you how you could do that to me. I wish I could have taken them away. I wish I could have taken away your pain.
I wish you could have found me with my razor blade and my blood and I wish you would have torn off all my skin and stopped all the bleeding even though it lasted ten seconds, only ten seconds. I wish you would have never left me alone. I want you to turn back time and I want a complete life with you. I want to eat my food with you, I wanted to lay in the dark with you and whisper secrets.
We could have played so many games together. We could have ran around outside and screamed and swam around in my cute little bathing suit and your silly little trunks. You could have seen me with my goofy long hair. You could have seen me twinkling.
You could have seen me grow. I could have seen you. We could have grown sheepish together. We could have fallen even more in love together.
We always would have been in love. I feel like all that has happened. I feel like we've done all of it together.
Maybe we would have felt like brother and sister except not. I'd like that. I'd like feeling as if we were soulmates that had met when we were just barely living, just barely learning to breathe. Maybe you'd crawl before me and you'd help me hold my head. Maybe you'd walk before me and help me by the hand. Maybe you'd make me want to wear your clothes. I kind of wish you had been there on all my sleepless Christmas nights to play silly games with me til the morning.
Why? It sounds like I dream of practical incenst. That's not what it is. You know that.
What this is is the feeling of basically being each other. I look to you as though I was ripped in half when I was placed in my mother.
We were an angel. We had to have been. We were perfect. We were neither male nor female, not weak or strong. We had wings and they were so... Magnificent. They rose above our heads as if we were even less than them. But we weren't. That was their silly illusion. We were half and half and when you were born, I was too weak to be an angel any longer. I was female, and I was weak. My feathers turned rotten. Flesh turned to stone and bone to dust. My eyes could see and my ears could hear.... I could feel. I hid for a while. Maybe I was scared, maybe I was ashamed of how ugly I was as a half. He found me not too long later. He found me and He tossed me to my mother, and I was worlds away from you...
Maybe I always felt for you, even though we were so far away.
We kind of grew together, if only a little. We were friends a long time, me laughing at you, us practically ignoring each other. But then our relationship was coming. I don't really remember that day. I remember a lot of flirting, a lot of sharing a too-sweet drink. I kind of remember us brushing our hands together, trying to get each other to hold hands, I remember too many hugs.
I laughed like you were the funniest person in the world. You floated like you were on a cloud*- like I was the wind and you were the scent, floating with me and pleasantly singing.
I do remember how happy I made you. You melted into smiles and grins falling from smokes and gin--? I might have liked to see you smoke and drink. I might have liked to see you fly really high with the smoke exhaling through your mouth, nose. I think I would have liked to see you drink but I was too impressionable.
It feels like it’s been so long. But a year really isn’t that long ago, is it?
We didn’t feel like soulmates back then. I didn’t even know you. You were in my heart but my soul wasn’t reaching for you. I don’t think our souls recognized each other. I don’t think they really found each other last time.
We were pretending, that’s why. We wouldn’t have worked back then. I had to figure out that not everyone could be strong.
I was fire in a forest and you were a wolf inching closer, closer to my flames. They licked you and you whimpered. You were plunged deeper and deeper into unfamiliar territory as my flames enchanted you. You didn’t watch your step, you just kept stepping backwards, backwards. There were many times you tripped and your body fell sprawling to the ground. You didn’t care. You stood back up and continued the dance with me. You keep burning.
It’s almost only moments until you jump in.
For a long time, I was little. I was oblivious to so many things. I was dancing, always dancing and breathing too much. You never noticed. You never knew because you did it, too... You were smoking and laughing and doing stupid things. We were both so masochistic.
Neither of us felt. We didn’t feel because we were both so filled with hurt. We danced and ran away from our hurt. We never felt anything but laughter bubbling up from our faking stomachs. We felt air but it was really darkness. We were runaways. Maybe that’s why we’re so alike, why we’re so in love.
Maybe it’s because we hurt so much now.
I was too young. I was too young when he and I decided to lay our hangs on each other. We were too young when we smiled our little boygirl smiles. We were so curious and fucked up. We were silenced in our age and our hands screamed what we weren’t allowed to say. We never laid together, thank God we didn’t, but we still have our marks drawn on each other.
It was magical for a while, I guess, but then the ecstasy faded away to guilt, regret. Regret gave way to pain, which melted away to just a dull ache. After a while, he just ran away across the plains where I could never find him again. I didn’t ever want to anymore.
I liked how the next couple of boys made me feel. They made me feel liked dancing, like screaming and crying and running. They touched me like I was a goddess, like their hands glowed after they rubbed my skin. Maybe they did. I liked the way their faces glowed. They were glowing, screaming their happiness to fall down and worship me, touch me, begging for a chance for more. Maybe they thought they’d grow wings if they got to.
Their hands maybe floated away from them. Maybe they’re forever laying on me, teasing me, testing me.
I’m the goddess of lust, I swear. The boys would die to touch me. They would lie down in front of me and let me drain the life from them. They lie down and let me breathe their breath, let me pump their blood.
Am I arrogance? I guess you wouldn’t understand.
They call my eyes water- so beautiful blue. They call my skin gold- so valuable. They call my breath silver- deadly to breathe but they’ll do it anyway, won’t they? My laughs are music, they love the silent brushes in their ears. My voice is a whisper, making your linger ever closer.
I am irresistible, aren’t I? You speak but your words are always the same. You try to console me but the majority of your touches are making me cautious.
Then again, I have a tendency to over - feel.
Am I truly the light they see me to be? People are naturally attracted to me - like opposite sides of a magnet. Their eyes are starry, their faces forlorn, their sighs heavy. I am curious as to how they believe I am so fantastic.
You were the only one who made me want to stop playing God. You were the one who made me want to calm down, settle down.
I guess maybe that scares me sometimes.
That you’re the key to a door I really didn’t know if I wanted to open, back then.
I feel like sometimes, with every step forward, there are countless ones taken backwards.
I kind of like how everyone can see us, how everyone can see how we are and how truly in love we are.
I guess sometimes I feel like you deserve better. I feel like whenever I look at another boy you should be looking for another girl who wouldn’t stare.
Maybe I’d like to feel repaid for the pain I’ve given you.
There was one time I think I almost hated you. I was laying in my bed and whimpering for you. I guess you don’t understand why I do that. You told me that you missed how I used to be. How I used to hold you and cry with you and truly feel you.
It made me feel maybe not good enough anymore. Oh, you know how I hate that feeling.
It maybe made me scared. Because I used to always feel you, but then you were too far gone.
But then I saw you at school and honestly, I couldn’t help but smile. You’ve got this ridiculous thing about you - you’re so... goofy. We are each other’s silly little secret in a naive little code that no one else can read.
Maybe it’s that silly high feelings before someone lingers closer and leaves their words on your mind. Maybe it’s the fact I’ll have to struggle to find something to say to you. I can’t help but smile at our lovely secrets sometimes.
We’re so together that I honestly never believe anyone else is even there. Even though I hear them, even if I listen, it’s your voice in their throats.
But isn’t that normal? I could have sworn that everyone hears you everywhere.
Maybe that’s what keeps me feeling okay. When my parents say something nasty I can think of what you might say if you had heard them. I guess the best part is how you care when other people might just be dead for me.
Sometimes I wonder why you’re always so alive and breathing and beating. Did you know it scares me when you’re too cold or too pale? faint? Sometimes it terrifies me. That’s why I beg you to take my jacket at school.
For some reason, this feels more like a confessional that should go in our notebook.
I’m listening to a mix tape that I gave you. I’ve introduced you to so many new things, just as you have for me.
Maybe I don’t really know why there are so many songs filled of terror and hurt. I really want to apologize that by the time you got here, I was a little too far behind in my life. I really wish I could show you the best of me.
Maybe sometimes I don’t remember what that is.
I want to tell you something. It’s another secret for now. You know all these words I’ve written so far? I think that they are my truth. They are finally the key to writing I’ve searched so hard for. I just hope nothing happens before I can document us fully.
It smells of summer now. I think this is the most excited I’ve been for this smell. I can’t wait to drive, to go to beaches and feel the warmth bake my skin. I almost wish I could get golden like some people. I wonder sometimes if my little hairs on my arms would glow in the sun. Maybe I’m excited for the freedom summer gives. Maybe I’m excited to smell the sun bake your sin through your very pores.
I’ll be so envious of those sun light rays though. I wonder if you know that, I’ll be jealous of how far down into you they can reach. My skin and your skin are cursed barriers. You know that as well as I.
I hate how I can’t decide between past or present.
For a long time, you were nothing. I felt bad, but I never trusted myself back then. I thought I would leave you in no time, for sure. Maybe I got lazy, maybe you cleansed my body of sin. but for some reason I stayed with you. I guess what’s interesting is how I don’t understand why I chose you.
I also wonder why I remember that night so well. It was you, and me, and sometimes I truly was confused when I realized we were two separate beings. It was that effortless... It was like we were air colliding with each other. You had to have been heat because I felt warm.
I felt this insatiable need to fall asleep with you. I couldn’t, we are too controversial - -
I wish I could have gotten up the nerve to sneak out of the closed, locked room and into your arms. I felt your arms everywhere that night. The notes floating around my head only amplified the effect. I almost felt your fingertips dancing on my lips. I wished so many things that night. So many things couldn’t get true fast enough. When you left the next day, I cursed everyone who took you away from me. I felt something monumental. I was so excited because I felt like this was so incredibly different.
When you left I gave you such a sad hug. I was so upset because I didn’t know when I’d see you again. I was scared it was a once in a lifetime kind of thing, because we were already over, things were already done.
You told me one time when I came over for your band practice, when all we did was talk, you told me when I came over and hugged you that if I had hugged you for just another second longer that you would have asked me to be with you. Sometimes I wished I would have hugged you just that little bit longer. But I wanted to keep my light-hearted, happy-thinking exterior. I guess I tried for a while to tell myself I didn’t like you. I couldn’t bring myself to open the door back up and let you in.
You showed me music. You showed me how to play songs on my guitar, how to scream like those killer cool boys in those metal bands.
Every time you scream, you’re more and more attractive to me.
Things look almost magical today. The trees outside my window look like their dancing. This wind on my skin is cool, not quite freezing. It stings my skin peacefully and I know that somewhere you must be singing. The world is happy when you breathe.
I know why I picked you now. You know me. You do, fully. You read my words like no one in the world would. I know no one else could be like this for me. You know how incredibly much my words mean to me. You understand my passions. You almost feel them with me. You know how passionate I am towards too many things.
The one thing I hate more than anything is how no one would understand. I can’t show anyone my true writing potential because they wouldn’t understand our affection, or how we tick.
I hate how limited we are because of our ages. I know you hate it, too. It limits our love, as well. I never will understand these boundaries. Back when all people were was instinct, they had people our age married already.
My passion is limited, oh so limited. It is simply killing me.* I wish I could show my greatness to everyone, but I am confined to these pages just as we are confined to whispered promises of forever. I hate that we can’t scream it. I hate that no one would look.
You wish you could make everything better. You wish you could rid me of my pain. You wish you could hide me away in your arms and heart forever. What I don’t think you know is how you’ve saved me.
For a long time, my handwriting has gotten sloppy and angry. I apologize for that. You know how I have hated you for a while. We haven’t talked as much as we should have, and things we have done have torn us apart more than we know. We have been grinding on each other’s nerves, but you know how I hate it when you’re sad. Your eyes keep falling away from me, keep melting from their sockets. You’re not where your supposed to be and I don’t know where to look. You don’t love anything in your life anymore. You say you do but I see the pain in your eyes. You’re holding on by a string, like I am, but we’ll make it through. I almost considered suicide a few times, but I don’t anymore. You almost tried a few times, but you don’t anymore. We can make it through. I’ve felt unhappy because you’re unhappy no matter what I do. What can I do to cheer you, Gogi Bear? You’re running away from me in my dreams just as you seem to be in reality. You don’t have to run. I promise I have no guns, no knives. I don’t own bear mace. I’m too scared you’ll worry. I have no weapons against you, my dear, come back to me. I have no reason to harm you, my love. Please don’t become blind to our love. It used to be all you could trust.
This might end as a take of teenage desperation.
But I’m confident it won’t.
My name is Caitlyn Sheppard. Yours is Christopher Hammock. I used to think that my name would sound stupid with your last name. I used to be too young to care about you. There have been times I’ve hated you. But there are times I’ve been unable to live without you - or, rather, I could have lived without you, but I would have chosen anything in order not to. You’re my inspiration just as I am sure I am yours. No one will see our love, not for a long time. But I hope someday they will. Someday when there are rings on our fingers and a child in my stomach. Someday after my first four years of college and your first few gigs. Someday when I’m published and a doctor and when you’re a hit rock star. It’s kind of like Romeo and Juliet, but that’s okay. No one’s against us. It’s okay. We can get through and we can stay together.
We won’t listen to what they say. We can do this and that’s all that matters.
This is my story of me, of youme, and of us. My story told through poems and a story and I pray that everyone who comes across this story and reads these words find that anything is possible in love, and in love, humans revel. Humans can dance off the ground and breathe in water. We can heal wounds and stitch each others intentional cuts. All we have is hope. All we have is each other. It’s possible to heal. Don’t give up hope.
Numb kills.