Prologue

[Andarial]

Notes: This is the prologue now with fleshing done

How long had she been here? Long enough to question her name, her sanity and long enough to have forgotten her history. The only thing that had kept her somewhat sane was the name she thought was hers, Onyx Featherstone. So those two words were always in the back of her mind, reminding her who she thought she was. But who was that really? Since she only knew the name how could she know herself?

She had been in this dark cell for a long time, a place without a window or any light, but being a werewolf she didn’t need light to see through this murky darkness. Her senses of sight, smell and hearing were heightened along with her strength and speed. All this making her a formidable opponent that is unless silver was around.

That was why she was stuck here, silver veins glittered in the cobblestone walls and ceiling surrounding her and the door was solid silver. The only place that didn’t have silver in her cell was the floor. So Onyx always lay in the center of the room trying her best to be the farthest from each wall. The constant presence of silver had made the beauty weak and sick; she was only able to keep down a little food. Not that she really wanted to eat anyways. But she knew she must for if she didn’t she would become even weaker and probably die, not that she would be the first.

The one thing that she hated more than silver were the “Takers.” The very thought of their name made her pale lips curl in a wolf-like grimace. She didn’t know their real name but that was what all the other wolves called them when they warned of their coming. Warning each other was important, it was the only thing they could do to stand against the evil beings in their state. As the others said, they must be one in order to take on the creatures. The “Takers,” took their blood, for what reason Onyx did not know. The took each wolf from their cell at a certain time and brought them to a place with a silver slab where they strapped the werewolf down and took a liter of their blood. Each wolf should have a large scar on their back caused by the silver slab. What shape Onyx once again was in the dark, but they did it so often the wolves didn’t have time to heal fully. Onyx’s scar was a long whip-like lash across her back from her right shoulder to her left hip. And that was what had reminded her that she was alive.

[Alicia's Ghost]

I like the beginning paragraph. It was really dark and hopeless type of thought. "How long had she been here?" and the reader knows that something very bad is going to happen. "Long enough to question her name," and each person who reads gets a thought in their head, weighing the options. My stomach kinda knotted, picturing this cell for this young, sick woman.

It was very well done -- though I think it could stand to be a tad longer. I feel as if the thought was unfinished -- though the "Takers" were pretty rough-sounding xD

I'm liking it.

[jadestorm]

How long had she been here? Long enough to question her name, her sanity and long enough to have forgotten her history. Personally this doesn't strike me as a good hook. It also seems to wordy. The only thing that had kept her somewhat sane -- I thought she questioned her sanity? I'd avoid use sane again -- that or remove the mention of her sanity earlier above. was the name she thought was hers, Onyx Featherstone. So those two words were always in the back of her mind, reminding her who she thought she was. But who was that really? Since she only knew the name how could she know herself? There's too much in this paragraph about 'thought' -- thought was hers, who she thought she was Then you go on to saying who was she really? It's very redundant and could easily be cut down to five or six sentences.

She had been in this dark cell for a long time, I already know it's been a long time, you need not remind me. a place without a window or any light, but being a werewolf she didn’t need light to see through this murky darkness. Her senses of sight, smell and hearing were heightened by what? along with her strength and speed. All this making her a formidable opponent -- that is -- unless silver was around.

That was why she was stuck here, silver veins glittered in the cobblestone walls and ceiling surrounding her, and the door was solid silver. The only place that didn’t have silver in her cell was the floor. So Onyx always lay in the center of the room trying her best to be the farthest from each wall. The constant presence of silver had made the beauty weak and sick; she was only able to keep down a little food. Not that she really wanted to eat anyways. But she knew she must for if she didn’t she would become even weaker and probably die, not that she would be the first. <- Quite obviously.

The one thing that she hated more than silver were the “Takers.” This seems to come from out-of-the-blue. . .heh or silver. . .ah, I'm so funny. . . . Anyway, I'd somehow elucidate a little more prior the "Takers" make their appearance flow in naturally unlike how it has come in now. The very thought of their name made her pale lips curl into a wolf-like grimace -- She is a werewolf, the wolf-like grimace is quite repetitive. It would be like saying, the human smiled a humanly smile. She didn’t know their real name but that was what all the other wolves called them when they warned of their coming. Again this is quite obvious. Warning each other was important, it was the only thing they could do to stand against the evil beings in their [adjective] state. As the others said, 'they must be one in order to take on the creatures.'

New Paragraph The “Takers,” took their blood, for what reason Onyx did not know. The took each wolf from their cell at a certain time and brought them to a place with a silver slab where they strapped the werewolf down and took a liter of their blood. Info Dump. Each wolf should have a large scar on their back caused by the silver slab. What shape Huh? Onyx once again was in the dark, but they did it so often the wolves didn’t have time to heal fully. Onyx’s scar was a long whip-like lash across her back from her right shoulder to her left hip. And that was what had reminded her that she was alive.

I thinking the last sentence was a good way to end the prologue, but this entire thing is laced with redundancies and obviousness. Prologues don't have to be long, you can keep it short, personally, I say shorter the better.

[Andarial]

Ok, Jade, this is first off the starting point and I am talking as if none of this is known. And this is merely the start, needn't like it but you also need to understand that some of this might be explained in further chapters. And if it's obvious it's probably stated there for a reason, like the last sentence of the third paragraph many people think werewolves are hard to kill and are immortal in this story they aren't. The wolf-like grimace is to say she made a wild frown in her human form.

I do believe that some of your stuff has value but you need to learn how to give constructive criticism. You sound condescending. No offense.