yum. new poem. :)

[xunpredictablel]

|Title| Untitled .
|Rating| PG13
|Criticism| Be as critical as you wish. Every writer needs criticism. Especially me !


can i lean over your bed and kiss you?
break from these chains and grasp you ?
would you break from your chains to take my hand?

could i fall on your bed on top of you ?
my hair is in strings around our faces .
should i lean forward and brush your lips with mine ?
you seem as unsure as i .

i want what i want when i want it
but desire is heartless with you.
could i embrace you ? catch you from your
falling dreams and taste you ?

i found you , lost in the trash and broken .
but you shone like a firefly .
i wasn't scared to hold you to me -
the nasty made it almost worth it .

can i kiss color back into your cheeks ?
touch feeling back into your limbs?
could my heart bring you back from the dead ?
you try to tell me ,
you try .

i reach forward to take you in my arms ,
but you tumble away from me, just
out of my reach .
where are you ? why am i always asking
these questions ?

these old thoughts are so analogous to
illness , haunting me just like the same ol' , same ol' words .
i want , i desire you .
but my selfish touches are animalistic .
haunting , lurking , below . the . skin .
everything is the same .

can i break out of my shell , my rut
to fall onto you ,
my leg touching yours, the other spaced too far .
my arms on either side of your face
and mine is angry, almost rioted .
fear , falling , the terror of the breath knocked from your lungs .
and i soften as i realize it's you , just you .
and we're fine , here , together .
just us .
just you .

[jadestorm]

can i lean over your bed and kiss you?
break from these chains and grasp you ?
would you break from your chains to take my hand?

could i fall on your bed on top of you ? I think this line could use a bit of work. I understand what you mean, but you say you're falling on his bed. . .then you say falling on him. Maybe something along the lines of Could I lay myself over you while you sleep Sleep is usually correspondent with beds, so I think the image would still be sound if you said it in a way like so.
my hair is in strings around our faces . Er -- uh -- I don't know. I don't like this line. To me, anyway, it sounds maybe. . .cheesy? I'm not sure. Also, why is it faces--plural? There's just something about it. I picture oily hair and when I picture oily hair I imagine some sort of witch. Lol. I don't think 'strings' is a good word -- at least for me. I connect negative thoughts to it, but it's your poem so if you like it you can keep it.
should i lean forward and brush your lips with mine ?
you seem as unsure as i . ^.^ Those two lines are cute. They had a nice flow as well. The rhyming was perfect.

i want what i want when i want it
but desire is heartless with you. My brain finds these two lines hard to comprehend; I feel dizzy. @_@ So many W's. I also find desire being heartless a bit of a hard thing to imagine, not sure why, maybe because it's almost midnight. *shrugs*
could i embrace you ? catch you from your
falling dreams and taste you ? Personally. . .<.< >.> I'd scratch catch you from your falling dreams and, because dreams don't really fall. I've fallen in dreams, but they've never fallen on me. ;D Anyway, I think it would be fine as Embrace you; taste you and leave it as that.

i found you , lost in the trash and broken .
but you shone like a firefly .
i wasn't scared to hold you to me -
the nasty made it almost worth it . Heh. Heh. The Nasty. My only suggestion here would be to put broken before trash I think it might be more appealing that way; or maybe not, wouldn't hurt to experiment I suppose. Although this does add an ounce of humor -- or I think it does -- to the poem, I also think it takes away from the beauty you'd like to portray. Trash + kissing. . .not the best combo.

can i kiss color back into your cheeks ?
touch feeling back into your limbs?
could my heart bring you back from the dead ?
you try to tell me ,
you try .

i reach forward to take you in my arms , I don't know why, but I think it would sound nice if you added something about her not being able to resist not touching, hugging, kissing him, and then going in for the I reach. . .
but you tumble away from me, just
out of my reach .
where are you ? why am i always asking
these questions ? Er. . .eh. . .I don't really like this. Where are you? You had answered that a few lines above when you said Just out of my reach. Now if you said he had vanished into thin air, aye, I could understand this questioning, but in my mind, this boy is still in front of you.

these old thoughts are so analogous to Ooo big word *grabs dictionary*
[an?] illness , haunting me just like the same ol' , same ol' words . Wait? What words? I kind of think the same ol' same ol' part takes away from the niceness of this poem. I'd suggest just saying the words. Or. . .These old thought are so analogous to an illness haunting me; my desires, but my selfish. . . Sorry don't mean to look like I'm rewriting you poem or nothing, just throwing out ideas for you
i want , i desire you .
but my selfish touches are animalistic .
haunting , Already said haunting, I'd avoid the redundancies and chose another word. lurking , below . the . skin .
everything is the same . This line doesn't do much for me. . .honestly. . .I'd suggest striking it. . .unless it means something to you then keep it, but I think it would be better absent.

can i break out of my shell , my rut
to fall onto you?
my leg touching yours, the other spaced too far .
my arms on either side of your face Arms or hands? This seems very awkward position. Maybe? Right? Seems awkward to me.
and mine is angry, almost rioted . Wait. Why? I thought this is what you wanted? Why are you angry now?
fear , falling , the terror of the breath knocked from your lungs . I have issues with this line. One, the falling. I don't understand the falling D= and two the terror of the breath knocked from your lungs it sounds odd, maybe too wordy. It took me two or three times to understand what you meant. The terror of having your breath knocked from your lungs might sound a little more clear; I don't know.
and i soften as i realize it's you , just you .
and we're fine , here , together .
just us .
just you .


I liked the poem in the beginning, cute and nicely paced, but as I got further down it seemed as though you were running out of ideas or something. The end particularly was a little disappointing. She softens from her anger, but why was she angry in the first place when she got what she wanted? And technically, this is still her fantasy, not actual reality.

I'd like to throw out ideas in what way the end could be improved upon, but I'm befuddled right now because the end contradicts everything. It's her fantasy, so he is not there. It isn't just us or just you. I suppose you could turn it around and have her realizing all this is a fantasy and it's just me and that could account for her anger.

[/quote]

[xunpredictablel]

How's this ? I restated some things and added to my ideas a bit , to make it more understandable .





can i lean over your bed and kiss you?
break from these chains and grasp you ?
would you break from your chains to take my hand?

could i fall on your bed and
drape myself over you ?
my hair is a curtain around your face .
should i lean forward and brush your lips with mine ?
you seem as unsure as i .

i want what i want , i always have .
but my desires are heartless
when you drift into my thoughts .
could i embrace you ? catch you from your
failing dreams and taste you ?

i found you , lost and broken in the trash .
but you shone like a firefly .
i wasn't scared to hold you to me -
the nastiness made it almost worth it .

could i bathe the filth from your skin ?
can i kiss color back into your cheeks ?
touch feeling back into your limbs?
could my heart bring you back from the dead ?
you try to tell me ,
you try .

i reach forward to take you in my arms ,
like a baby , you reached for a mother .
but you tumble away from me, just
out of my reach .
where are the words i form so listlessly ?
are they lost upon your eyes ?

these old thoughts are so analogous to an
illness , haunting me just like lingering , lurking; misery and wretchedness .
i want , i desire you .
but my selfish touches are animalistic .
below . the . skin -
everything is the same .

can i break out of my shell , my rut
to fall onto you ?
my leg touching yours, the other spaced too far .
my hands on either side of your face
and mine is angry, almost rioted ,
terrified from the fall .
i fear the breath knocked from your lungs will
hurt you, but
and i soften as i realize it's you , just you .
unharmed ?
and we're fine , here , together .
just us .
just you .

[Chippy]

Me likes it. (Im hyper so please bear with the incorrect grammer and stuff. Its normal.)

[jadestorm]

can i lean over your bed and kiss you?
break from these chains and grasp you ?
would you break from your chains to take my hand?

could i fall on your bed and
drape myself over you ?
my hair is a curtain around your face . I like it. I especially like how you use drape and curtain close together, they word choice seemed quite suitable.
should i lean forward and brush your lips with mine ?
you seem as unsure as i .

i want what i want , i always have . This took me a double-read to understand, not sure if that is good or bad to you.
but my desires are heartless
when you drift into my thoughts . I don't know these lines still doesn't sound right to me, but it may just be me.
could i embrace you ? catch you from your
failing dreams and taste you ?

i found you , lost and broken in the trash .
but you shone like a firefly .
i wasn't scared to hold you to me -
the nastiness made it almost worth it .

could i bathe the filth from your skin ?
can i kiss color back into your cheeks ?
touch feeling back into your limbs?
could my heart bring you back from the dead ?
you try to tell me ,
you try .

i reach forward to take you in my arms ,
like a baby , you reached for a mother .
but you tumble away from me, just -- I'm questioning why he tumbles. From fright? From weakness? On purpose? Accident.
out of my reach .
where are the words i form so listlessly ?
are they lost upon [in instead of upon?] your eyes ?

these old thoughts are so analogous to an
illness , haunting me just like lingering , lurking; No Semi-Colon. You didn't complete your thought prior. I was thinking 'like what?' Like misery and wretchedness, correct? If so then no semi-colon. misery and wretchedness .
i want , i desire you .
but my selfish touches are animalistic .
below . the . skin -
everything is the same .

can i break out of my shell , my rut
to fall onto you ?
my leg touching yours, the other spaced too far .
my hands on either side of your face
and mine is angry, almost rioted ,
terrified from the fall .
i fear the breath knocked from your lungs will
hurt you, but
and i soften as i realize it's you , just you .
unharmed ? Maybe. . .unharmed from the fall. . . or other verb describing the relationship going on? Or not. It's fine. I'm just being petty now. Lol.
and we're fine , here , together .
just us .
just you .



Yeah, this was much better. The punctuation and lack of capitalization made me twitch a little. . .<.< >.> But yeah, much better, clarified a lot more now.