The Guardian Demon

[Chippy]

I see what I see
And that which you do not.
I hear what I hear
Of that which you know not.

Day after day
Of endless timing
I find the thing most longed for
By which of those to find it.

He may send out all others,
He may come himself
But I really could care less
For I am not one to test.

I will not go willingly
I will not go without cause.
I will fight for the right,
Or I will certainly fall.

This is not what's meant to be,
This is not fair to me.
I should get a say in this,
But who else would they get to see?

For all else will certainly die
If the work will not comply
My powers beyonf the reach
Of mortal men to teach.

So I say before the night
To all that are good will take flight
In all that we say or do
We surely will come after you.

From the night
And into day
I shall wait
For them to play.

It is not glory that I seek
But ones true strength that makes them weak.
Day by day I watch them suffer
Until one lisha, when all shall answer.

I see the rise of a great king.
From boy, to warrior, to master of everything.
And under shadow I shall stand,
Until the world needs me again...

[jadestorm]

DISCLAIMER: The following reply is from a critical reader who gives critical reviews. If such replies are unwanted make mention in future poems. Please note, I'm not a liar. I don't say I like it, if I don't and if I don't like it, I want you, as the author, to understand why. I also do not wish to offend; and any ambiances of an attitude is unintentional; I merely wish to give advice and help fellow writers improve their skills.


I see what I see
Of things which you do not.
I hear what I hear
Of that which you know not.

I had issues with 'and' I don't think it connected to the above line very well. Say it out loud; to me it made no sense.

Day after day
Of endless timing - Timing what? What does this really mean?
I find the thing most longed for
By which of those to find it. This line makes no sense to me. By which? By which what?. . .of those to find it. So someone else has to find it? You've already found the 'thing', why must others find 'it' and what does 'by which' mean? It makes no sense.

He may send out all others, To find it?
He may come himself -- Who is he?
But I really could care less
For I am not one to test. What does testing have to do with anything? Is finding this 'thing' the test? Who is 'He' and who is 'I' anyway?

I will not go willingly Where?
I will not go without cause.
I will fight for the right, What right? What right is being fought for? The right to bear arms? The right to same sex marriage? The right to have ice cream after every meal?
Or I will certainly fall.

This is not what's meant to be, -- What's not meant to be?
This is not fair to me. -- What's not fair?
I should get a say in this,
But who else would they get to see? Who is 'who'? Why are they seeing him? Why MUST they see him? And why is it unfair that they must go to him?

For all else will certainly die All else? All else as in the people who aren't the 'who' mentioned above?
If the work will not comply Will not comply with what? The thing that was found and needs to be found as stated in above verses?
My powers beyond the reach
Of mortal men to teach. This makes no sense to me. This sounds like its translated from a different language and the word order and use is different. My powers are beyond reach; of superiority mortal men could never comprehend to teach. Makes a bit more sense if that is the meaning you wished to give.

So I say before the night
To all that are good [they] will take flight To war? Are the raptured away?
In all that we say or do
We surely will come after you. Who is 'you'? The ones taking flight? If they are good why are they being sought?

From the night
And into day
I shall wait
For them to play. Play what? War? Dodge ball?

It is not glory that I seek
But ones true strength that makes them weak. What the freakin' hell kind of line is that?! >.< I'm not even sure how to decipher that!
Day by day I watch them suffer Watch who suffer? The powerful weaklings?
Until one lisha, What is a Lisha? when all shall answer. Answer to what? I thought you were on some mission to watch these people suffer and die and, from my assumption, for pure enjoyment.

I see the rise of a great king.
From boy, to warrior, to master of everything.
And under shadow I shall stand,
Until the world needs me again... And how did you help before? This great king who went through the stages of life, what does he have to do with anything? Where is he? When was he referred to?


Sorry, Nite >.< This poem did absolutely nothing for me. It makes little to no sense whatsoever. Nothing connects anywhere and if it does it's in a very poor manner. I can tell this was written purely on whim because there is no focal point to the message or story; it's very scattered and confusing and, to me, it's nothing more than meaningless fluff.

[Panda]

I believe that your commentary is completely ill founded. The meaning of the poem, as well as about a third of the things you have 'flagged' can be deduced if given any effort. case and point line ten "He may come himself" you ask who, when the answer is in the title. If you truly care, I will point out the many other things you overlooked. Maybe I am not being 100% fair, because I know the central theme of this poem, and have analyzed it, and the writer prior to it ever being posted online, but I feel like you are not being any more fair to her work. You say its meaningless fluff, but you are wrong, you just didn’t take the time, or effort to discern meaning out of what she said. I will agree her structure needs work, but what you said went way too far.
A critique, and what you did, are two completely different things, and no matter how many times you say "sorry" It doesn’t change the fact that you looked at her poem in an objective, and immature way. Did you even TRY to figure it out? You tried to analyze every little line, when some of the meaning is meant to be implied. and when you say "What the freakin' hell kind of line is that?!" to something that was just worded a little strange, and say "What right? What right is being fought for? The right to bear arms? The right to same sex marriage? The right to have ice cream after every meal?" don’t expect anyone to take what you say seriously. And by the way, that line, the one about the right, if you would look one like up to where it says "I will not go without cause" you can pretty much assume that the right refers to the right to stay.

You commentary made me sick, to a point you will never understand. It was childish, ill founded, and so poorly thought out I cannot believe you even took the time to write it! If you spent the same amount of time READING the poem, then maybe you could have shortened your post by half. The legitimate points you made, real commentary, and insight, will take Nite about half an hr to find, after sifting through all of the crap.

Go ahead and comment on one of mine. I am a glutton for negative feedback when my friends are not caught up in it. ^^

[jadestorm]

In my opinion, poetry isn't something I should have to sit and think about and dwell on for hours because I, myself, can't understand the author's meaning. The title shouldn't be the answer to ever question I ask. Second of all, this is a writing forum, meaning people should be open to criticism of all kind. Maybe I was childish, but your reply was no more the same.

[Chippy]

Poems arent really meant to be understood. I also know Im still a beginner at writing poems even if I have been writing for a few years. This specific poem has a lot in it that is not supposed to be understood

[xunpredictablel]

First of all, I think everything jade storm said was perfectly founded. It was her opinion, and her take on the poem. THIS is why EVERYONE....

I REPEAT: EVERYONE.

Needs to put the amount of criticism they want at the top of their post. Secondly, you don't quite know what Nite was shooting for, what kind of criticism she wanted, etc. There's no reason this discussion should have occurred. Jade Storm said what she wanted to say, and if Nite doesn't want such feedback in the future, she needs to say so. The thing about this is , honestly , that I want Jade Storm to stay on this site. I think she absolutely has great feedback and I want her to comment on some of my stuff, if she ever gets around to it. I just don't think it's fair that because you didn't think she had the right to step in and say anything, that me and the others who want criticism, should have to suffer because she might think twice about coming back to the site now.

Now, I understand you wanted to stick up for your friend. That's great and all, but at least let her comment first .

So, that's about all I have to say.


IN THE FUTURE....

In fact, RIGHT NOW ! EVERYONE GO TO YOUR POSTS AND DETERMINE HOW MUCH CRITICISM YOU WANT. GO. NOW. RAWR.

[Panda]

Yes. my post was just as, if not more childish that your critisism. But comparing yourself to me will get you knowere in life other than well... not good places ^^ And I was all angsty when I posted so I just needed to get some anger out, and this was a great place to do it! I can't say I regret a word, nor do I say that I was correct in what I did. Your in depth commentary was brutal, and amazing. But on one very specific idea of poetry, we are on different pages. Do to the nature of her poems i can not blame you for not getting them. I know her in real life, and it takes me at least two readings of a new one to get all of it. So. rawr, hate me and use your sheer and uter hatred to tear appart one of my poems ^^ or two if you really, really hate me. because you know you want to post on mine before a certain co-admin's right, right?

[Chippy]

Critisism is the only way one can get better and possibly become the best. Just expect a little bit of explanation about whatever you say sounds wrong or whatever. Thats all I say to that!

[Panda]

well she certainly explained what she thought was wrong. And once again, I am incredibly biased, in knowing you, AND the meaning of this poem. *flicks chippy* Didn't morgan tell you that posting things of that nature was bad? ...or was it katie that always said that... I had one to a similar effect I was going to post, the week of my laptop crashing into oblivion, but I used a sub plot to distract away from the real theme/ backstory of it. Truth be told I only didn't post it because it was filled with oodles of ill founded hatred of a certain member on here whom shall remeained namless other than morgan >.>

But I feel like if I sat down and explained the main theme, the rest would fall into place nicer than you would think Jade. with kayla's permission, I would gladly do so, and then you could judge it from there. It would be vastly more constructive, than fumbling in the dark for a key that chippy has hidden from you.

[Chippy]

ow...that hurt, panda...and no one ever told me. as if I would care either way. ^.^