lovey-dovey .

[xunpredictablel]

critique : whatevs.
rating: pg.


well , hello .
this is all a dream .
you reach beneath the covers ,
and beckon so intriguingly .

i peek out underneath them
and i grin at you .
i reach out a single arm , a single hand
as sunlight bathes the room .

you reach back towards me ,
your face looking so dreamily .
i catch the necklace falling .
a dangling chain , with a single key .

your eyes are bright ,
and you smile such a warm smile .
as i hold the key in my hand,
pressed to my palm for a while .

i am still reaching , but you pause,
reluctantly you back away ,
my face falters , i fall out of the bed,
i tumble towards you , but it seems like days
before i find you .

when i do , you can’t remember me .
i hold out the dangling chain , the single key
and you give me a puzzled stare ,
i say , ’ but you’re everywhere
to me . ‘

i wished your amnesia would
fade .
so that you could brush your fingertips against my
face .

and i wake up.
the room is bathed in sunlight,
i feel a rope around my neck and an arm around my waist .
and i’ve finally regained sight .

i squeeze your hand and
i turn to kiss you ecstatically !
as you smile and snicker ,
i say , ‘you found me .

i was hiding in a dream ,
where you ran away .
and then you came around
and saved the damsel’s day .’

i wonder , could my rhymes
be bittersweet to you ?
could you want me like
i so thoroughly want you ?

and i wake up .
so tenderly i stare ,
to this moonlit room
and you are no where .

[shiina]

I really like this. Maybe cuz it hits kinda close to home or so. Boyfriend issues and whatnot. There's even a necklace with a key on it, just like one I gave him about a week ago.

when i do , you can’t remember me .
i hold out the dangling chain , the single key
and you give me a puzzled stare ,
i say , ’ but you’re everywhere
to me . ‘

The rhymes in this stanza, I thought, were very well done.I love those kind of odd rhyme schemes that just work despite how awkward they can be when used wrong, and you definitely got it right here.

and i wake up .
so tenderly i stare ,
to this moonlit room
and you are no where .

I like the kind of loving, yet desolate feeling this gave me. It painted an image in so few words, and thats what most poets go for. Sometimes saying nothing can say everything. The lonliness pierced me on that last line.

Well, I know I suck at giving critiques and making comments, so I'll stop at that. I'd just like to say that I liked the poem a lot ^.^ Now we all know why I dont post responses to peoples work often haha. *walks off stage awkwardly*