Damsel In Distress

[shiina]

CRITIQUE:: Go ahead, I don't care. Be harsh.

Single-minded, double-threat.
The lowliest I’ve ever met.
Help me to feel something more,
Than the feelings from before.

It’s as if we’re worlds apart.
Do you even have a heart?
Keep me here and keep me well,
To have a healthy soul to sell.

More hurt feelings; nothing new.
Especially when I’m with you.
Broken bones and shaking hands,
I can’t meet your harsh demands.

Saying nothing with my lips,
When only speaking with my hips.
I feel as if I’m just a toy,
And that’s because you’re just a boy.

Keep my head up, clear my mind.
Hearing answers I can’t find.
Caught beneath the curtain rain,
Perhaps it’s that I’ve gone insane.

So abused in every way,
I wish I didn’t have to stay.
Thinking things I can’t confess,
Just a damsel in distress.

[xunpredictablel]

Huh - to be honest , the first stanza and the first two lines of the second really didn't catch my eye , and that's the most important part. You might wanna revisit it and make it a tad more interesting. The rest of the poem kept me reading, which was great. I really like the rest of the poem.

I really really liked the way you were describing how you're being all used up. It's such a typical thing to write about on this site for some reason, but you really worded it well. I might be biased because I really like the words "hips" and "lips" for some reason,

but whatever. The last two lines were really good too - with those last lines, you really gotta make a bang. So the poem goes up in flames and is hella memorable for whoever reads it.

[shiina]

This poem made me very angry actually, the origional version I mean. Though my own stupidity is to blame. It was AMAZING. And it still had your hips and lips in it haha. You see, I wrote it on the spot to post, and I never wrote it down on paper. But of course, right as I went to hit the post button, my lap top died because I had ignored its pleas for a power source. the hips and lips stanza (Your fault it has been named that XD Love you Caitlyn, don't hurt me! Haha) was the only stanza I fully remembered plus the last two lines.

[Panda]

I have decided that I should not run the risk of favoritism, and comment on as many different poems AND authors that I am able. I used to comment on Caitlyns the most, for the soul reason of the nature of her poems, and the mentality that I was in during that period. They spoke to me, so I spoke back. But now that I am back, and dont even know what mindset I am in now, I will comment on anything that sends some vibes my way, time and personal ability to type something worthwhile permiting

I would just like to say firstoff that the fact that you reconstructed this from memory is amazing. It fits, it flows, and was so easy to read that I had to read it twice because it just flowed and my brain forgot to think about what the words ment. And then second time, I found that the meaning of the words fit just as well. And then a third time, using a mental voice over with the voice of Emile Autumn (a singer/poet). It was such a joy to read through this perfectly stuctured poem that I almost forgot the sad tone to it. (which the voice of Emile Autumn so kindly added back in)

When I read this, I really felt like I was watching you drag yourself through a day of school after something happened, espescialy in the 2nd to last stanza, and that really made the pain of it seem more real. I would have to say the third stanza was my favorite but it is hard to say why. I just think I can relate to that part the best. We have all been hurt and felt that 'oh not again' feeling, and I constantly fail to meet demands.

I also fully agree with Caitlyn on the last two lines. They are good, and need to be. No matter how good the coffe is, who is going to take more than a sip if the aftertaste is awful? ^^ but your aftertaste is good. Keep up the good work (didnt have time to spell check, not a word about my spelling)