Closer Than Ever

[shiina]

CRITIQUE:: Go ahead, I'm open to tough love.

Time to settle, time to fight;
What is wrong and what is right?
Chase the dark to bring the light;
Aim for goals far past your sight.

Happiness is boring him,
I'm fighting battles I won't win.
I'm winning now but it's a sin
To lose a man then try again.

Teaching things I can't explain,
Lies like faeries bringing rain.
Like medications cover pain,
lies are just my novacaine.

Fix your plans to make me break,
for I can tell what's real or fake.
Of all the promises you make,
There's not an offer I would take.

Say I'm right to prove me wrong,
The fact is, it's been far too long
Since I've heard the bluebirds song,
That's listened to me all along.

[xunpredictablel]

I don't know - I've never liked the AAAA , BBBB , CCCC , rhyme scheme ? It's a good poem - it's just nothing that would really catch my eye . I really liked the reference to Novocain - a very good analogy .

I really don't like the first or second stanzas . The ideas are there , but they're not worded quite right and I barely understand what's happening in the second one.

Anyway , the rest of the stanzas are interesting and well-rhymed. Overall , you did a good job.

[shiina]

the first two are just crap going on in my life right now. It's all about my boyfriend. Him and I broke up for about a month and then got back together and lately hes been even TELLING me how bored he's getting of me. That's the second stanza. As for the first stanza, Every time I think things are starting to go well between us, theres a blow up. That's the first line. Every time I try to help him with something I get yelled at because apparently trying to help out of the goodness of my heart makes him feel like I think hes too stupid to do it. Second line. The third line, I always pretend I'm happy when I'm upset. And the last line, I somehow feel like the relationship will turn out okay. The fourth stanza I'll admit is pure crap. Writers block kicked in haha.