Knight

[shiina]

NOTES:: I was kinda super depressed when I wrote this a while back after a bad break-up, I'm much better now, but *shrugs* I didn't even remember writing it until I was going through my poetry notebook one day and re-read it.
CRITIQUE:: I'm sure we all know by now that I don't care. Say whatever pops into your head, if it'll make me better, I'm all for the critism.

Something other than hate needs to inspire me.
An emotion that isn't sadness or a feeling other than fear,
A sensation other than the chill of a tear,
As it courses, making it's way down my cheek.
Or the trembling of my limbs when I can't take it anymore.
I need to stop these nightmares, seen in white and black.
The only color the red of blood, splattered, dripping, thick and cruel.
Everywhere; blood, running against porcelain skin.
Spotting the ground with cherry stains all around me.
Then a black beast in the black sky, sailing past me,
Or towards me, and he dives down, claws spread and ready.
More blood, everywhere. The only thing I see.
Whispering words drift in the wind, a quiet, shaky voice.
"Help," "run," tears mingle with the blood.
"Look," "see," But I can see nothing but the malevolent red.
The taste of copper tickles my tongue, my mouth filled.
Numb of all body, unable to move, still, so still.
Impossible, invisible, inevitable.
Lost and lonely and loveless.
Hurt and helpless and hopeless.
My knight in shining armor who promised to save me,
Turned into the dragon he swore to slay.

[xunpredictablel]

Wow , that was pretty intense. It was harsh, and I could feel a kind of weight on my chest reading it, which is good - you definitely got the tone across. I hate to get to specifics but here we gooooo ,

For some reason , some of the lines didn't flow as well as you could have made them, I think . For example "The only color the red of blood" just bothered me for some reason.

The alliteration was kind of cool - just be careful with it . Too much alliteration can grate on someone's nerves. It seems okay here though - no big.

Also , the last two lines were brilliant. Awesomeawesomeawesome. That's the kind of wording that will get you places .

[shiina]

Yeah, there were origionally 5 lines of the alliteration, because I always go overboard on that stuff, but I realized that it just made even me want to stop reading by the fourth line, and that was no good because I was trying to use those lines of alliteration to kind of tone down everything a little bit to make the last two lines pop more. Ah, bad relationships and shrek, the mother of my inspiration.